


My Boyfriend is a Soulless Creature from Hell

by Lilliterra



Category: Original Work
Genre: Best Friends, Dracula Influence/References, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Heartwarming, High School, Humor, Parody, Twilight Parody, Twilight References, Vampires, but the focus is on the platonic relationship not romantic, girl bffs - Freeform, i posted this everywhere else why not here, vampire boyfriend, yes i know its weird to pick both f/m and gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:00:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21997138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilliterra/pseuds/Lilliterra
Summary: Flower has always wanted a hot vampire boyfriend. But what's a high school sophomore to do when her Edward Cullen turns out to be more like Bram Stoker's Dracula?Excerpt:“Hmm.” She sounded skeptical. “I don’t know. A real vampire? Are you sure going out with him is a good idea?”“Yeah!” I said. “He said he wouldn’t eat me. We have a lunch date on Saturday.”“I’m just not sure this is a great idea though,” said Ariela.“Oh quit trying to spoil my fun.” I scowled through the phone.“I mean, a vampire,” said Ariela nervously. “Aren’t they supposed to be soulless creatures from hell or something?”“Oh, you’re just jealous,” I said, and hung up.
Relationships: Girl BFFS, Vampire Boyfriend - Relationship, platonic relationship - Relationship
Kudos: 1





	My Boyfriend is a Soulless Creature from Hell

By the time I got to school, the rumor that the new kid was a vampire had been all around the school. It raced into cafeteria, through the lunchroom and the teacher’s lounge, up and down the stairs, and finally onto the roof, where it took a swan-dive and fell to its death on the gravel of the parking lot. And then it had gotten onto its feet again and walked around the school some more anyway, which seemed curiously appropriate of it.

_For one_ (as my friend Ariela told me via small slips of notebook paper in math class) there was his skin. He had an unusual cold deathly pallor, and his cheeks were sunken and strange. Then there were his eyes. They were the color of _cinnamon._ “The reddest brown,” Ariela whispered, “That I’ve ever seen.”

And of course, there were his teeth. “All the guys think he just needs braces,” Ariela said. “But _I_ think -- all the girls do -- it’s _fangs_.” She pointed to her own incisors to illustrate.

“Pay attention!” shouted the math teacher, slapping the end of her marker on the whiteboard.

It was then I swore he would be my boyfriend. Not because I had even so much as laid eyes on him- I hadn’t- or because I thought he was a vampire, which I didn’t. Not really. It was because I knew that whoever had the fortune of dating this dark enigma would immediately become the most popular girl at Spoons High.

“What’s his name?” I whispered back, earning another sharp reprimand from the teacher.

The name of the dark enigma, as Ariela told me soon after we left class, was Derek Eula. And wonder of wonders! When I got to my next class, he was there!

I sat down in my usual seat in the front row of American History. Of course, I didn’t realize that he was even there until the teacher called out his name for roll. When Derek said, “here,” I looked to the back of the class and saw a skinny, pallid guy with greasy black hair and a hook nose. Not exactly what I had been expecting, but oh well. At least he had the sullen, loner part down. Come to think of it, that was probably because the other boys had been calling him “Count Dorkula” all morning. Either way, we were now soulmates. If he even had a soul.

“Today,” said Miss Hilda, “We will be doing partner projects. Each person will be paired with a partner.” Then she went around the room and counted everyone off by number, starting at the back. Derek was number eight, and then she started over at one. I ducked, trying to look inconspicuous. And sure enough, she pointed to me last! “Eight,” Miss Hilda said.

I smiled and scooted my chair over to Derek in as loud a manner as possible. He raised his eyebrows. “Hi Derek,” I said very warmly.

“So…” he said awkwardly. “What’s your name?”

“Flower,” I said. “It means flower in English.”

He gave me a dry look, and opened his mouth to say something, then shut it again. In the midst of this gesture I glimpsed the fangs, and how very fang-like they were. I smiled to myself. He must be dumbfounded at my gorgeous good looks. My long blonde hair, curled to perfection, with dyed auburn lowlights. My full cherry lips, my huge green eyes edged with dark eyeliner and long, feathery lashes enhanced by voluminous mascara. Having laid eyes on me, there was no way he would even think about any other girl.

“The project,” said Miss Hilda, “is to create a presentation detailing the history of a town or city in the United States.”

Instantly, I had an idea. “How about Transylvania?” I whispered to him.

“Transylvania’s not in the United States!” he snapped back.

“Oh.” I pouted. I had thought it was the capital of Pennsylvania, but it wasn’t like I was going to say that _now_.

“It’s not even a town. It’s a region of Romania.” He looked disgusted.

“Well,” I suggested cheerfully, “We could always do the history of Spoons instead.”

“Sure, why not?” He shrugged. “Our own city. That’s not cliché or anything.”

We were off to a great start.

***

At lunch, I made absolutely sure to sit at a table with Derek. Fortunately, we didn’t have assigned seating, making it much easier to do so. Unfortunately, we didn’t have assigned seating, so almost every other girl in the cafeteria was also sitting as close to him as they could. It made bonding rather difficult.

Ariela sat next to me, elbowing me at random intervals as if to say, “There he is! Your crush!” I just stared ahead, my eyes fixed on Derek. He didn’t look too happy about the vast amounts of attention he was receiving. So he wasn’t a ladies’ man. Perhaps he was waiting for his one true love. Well, little did he know, she was sitting right in front of him.

I didn’t see him again that day, but the next he showed up predictably in American History. This was the day we were to begin work on our project, and also the day I realized I knew nothing about Spoons history. Thankfully, Derek knew everything there was to know. It was amazing, almost like he had been there. I spent the class period fluttering my eyelashes at him and telling him how smart he was. And guess what? He seemed to actually be warming up to me!

By now Derek’s sudden popularity had died down a little. That meant that when school was out, I was able to actually find him amid the surging crowds of high schoolers pouring out from the door.

“Hey Flower,” he said. I was startled.

“Hi Derek,” I said excitedly.

“Come out of the way,” he beckoned. I followed him across the parking lot on prancing tiptoes.

When we had got out of earshot of everyone else, he turned towards me. He chewed his lip a little bit, and I thought maybe it was nervousness. But his eyes were half closed and he had a kind of sly look on his face. “You know Flower, I enjoyed… talking with you. We should really go out sometime.”

“Out? You mean like a date?” I gasped. Success!

Already? There was no reason for him _not_ to have noticed my… less than subtle… affection, but I was surprised that he had responded to me so quickly. Usually it took me months of stalking, bribes to friends, and midnight phone calls.

“You could call it that.” His face was as still as marble.

“Does this mean we’re…” my eyes glistened with tears of joy. “An item?”

“Yes,” he said, his eyes also glistening with… something. “Yes, an item.”

I clapped my hands, then hugged him where he stood stiffly. “Wonderful! I will tell everyone as soon as possible.” I smiled wide. “This is going to be fantastic! We can go on dates, and watch movies, and… kiss and stuff, and I think you should be overprotective of me, and make sure nothing bad ever happens to me, and watch over me at all times, even if it means when I’m asleep, and never let me go anywhere that might possibly be dangerous, even if you have to slash my tires to stop me getting there-”

“You want me to slash your tires?” he raised an eyebrow.

“No! I mean worst case scenario.”

“You think slashing someone’s tires is _romantic_.”

“Don’t judge me,” I said. But really, I didn’t care whether he judged me or not. All I cared about was what the girls would think tomorrow. The dark, handsome vampire was my boyfriend. Mine.

It was the perfect fairy-tale romance. If by fairy-tale you meant a cheap paperback novel that was on the back shelf of the dime store forty years ago, and then sat in someone’s basement until you picked it up from their garage sale for half its original price. I always liked those.

***

After Derek had wandered off, I hopped into my car and started home. I was delighted with how my new relationship was going. The dense trees of Spoons quickly rose up on both sides of the long, straight highway, seperated from the road by a narrow ditch. I stepped on the gas pedal, zooming all the way up to the speed limit, then checked my mirrors for other cars to see how much faster I could go. My heart sank in disappointment as I saw another vehicle, a red truck, right behind me.

Then I saw something a little funny, and took a closer look. The truck had no driver! I screamed. Quickly I pulled off to the side of the road. I didn’t stop fast enough and my car tilted into the ditch. There was a loud crunch of a bush and I was thrown forward, then snapped back, and hung off to one side.

The car was tilted on its side, but undamaged. I was trapped in my seatbelt and couldn’t get out. I looked into the car’s rear-view mirror and saw that the red truck had stopped on the side of the road next to me. The door opened, and shut. But no one touched it. No one came out.

There was the sound of footsteps and I craned my neck. Derek was standing at the top of the ditch!

“Are you okay?” He yelled.

But of course I hadn’t seen him. I’d been looking in the mirror.

He was a vampire. A real vampire. A real, live vampire for real. I let out a long, terrified shriek and started scrabbling wildly with my seatbelt.

“Hang on, I’m coming!” I could hear him shout. He soon appeared in the windshield.

“You’re a vampire,” I said breathlessly.

“Good for you,” he replied. “You figured it out.” Then he opened the top door. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m not gonna eat you. We’re an item, remember?”

Instantly my fears vanished. My seatbelt finally snapped back to its proper place, and I carefully climbed out of the car. “I couldn’t see you in the mirror,” I said. “I drove into the ditch to get out of the way.”

“Maybe I should have slashed your tires,” he said.

“Wait a minute- doesn’t sunlight hurt you?” I asked, looking up at the sun.

“No.”

“Well, doesn’t it have any effect? It ought to make you at least, I don’t know, sparkle or something.”

He sniggered, his fangs showing. “Don’t be stupid.”

“Hey!” I frowned.

“So how are we going to get your car out of the ditch?” he asked.

“Can’t you just lift it out with your superhuman strength?” I pointed to his arms.

He raised an eyebrow. “Are you kidding? I’m undead. If anything, I’m weaker than the average human.”

Well, that was somewhat disappointing.

As I pulled out my cell phone to call the tow truck, Derek seemed suddenly to think of something else. “Oh—we didn’t ever actually set up that date.”

I nodded. “Oh, you’re right! Where do you want to go?”

“The day after tomorrow is Saturday. We could go out for lunch.”

“All right,” I said, trying to sound less overly-excited than I felt. My first date with a vampire!

At school tomorrow, I would walk the halls proudly, knowing that to all I was “the gal with the hot vampire boyfriend.”

“Oh, and one more thing,” he said before getting back in his truck. “Don’t tell anyone that I’m a real vampire. I mean, I guess it doesn’t matter, because they’re all saying it anyway. But don’t tell anyone what you saw.”

***

The second I got home, I called Ariela on the telephone. “Hey Ariela,” I said smugly. “Guess what.”

“What?” she asked.

“Derek’s a real vampire. I just found out. And guess what else? We’re dating now.”

“What?” Ariela said again.

“I just said, Derek’s a real vampire…” I started to repeat myself.

“Yeah, I heard you the first time. How do you know?”

“Because I didn’t see him in my rear-view mirror. Then he confessed it to me. He told me he was a real vampire. Isn’t this amazing, Ariela?”

“Hmm.” She sounded skeptical. “I don’t know. A real vampire? Are you sure going out with him is a good idea?”

“Yeah!” I said. “He said he wouldn’t eat me. We have a lunch date on Saturday.”

“Where at?” she asked.

“I dunno yet,” I told her.

“Then text me as soon as you do,” she said. “I’m your bff, I have to know everything about your romantic life immediately.”

“Will do,” I said.

“I’m just not sure this is a great idea though,” said Ariela.

“Oh quit trying to spoil my fun.” I scowled through the phone.

“I mean, a vampire,” said Ariela nervously. “Aren’t they supposed to be soulless creatures from hell or something?”

“Oh, you’re just jealous,” I said, and hung up.

***

On Saturday, Derek’s truck pulled up outside my door and I ran out to it excitedly. Derek sat in the driver’s seat, looking at me cooly. “So,” he asked, “Where are we going?”

I shrugged, and then slammed the door behind me. “I assumed you had a plan.”

“You trust me.” He sounded almost amused, although I wasn’t sure why.

“We could go to get pizza,” I suggested.

Derek shook his head as he turned the key in the ignition. “No Italian.”

“Why not?”

“Too much garlic.” He sneered. “They put it in everything.”

“And I suppose we can’t go out for steak, either,” I sighed regretfully.

“Why not?” asked Derek, startled.

“Well, I thought it might… do something to your heart…?”

For a brief second I thought a look of cold disgust and contempt flickered through his eyes. Then it was gone. Nah, probably nothing. “Steaks, or even wooden stakes, don’t affect me any more than they do any other person,” he said blandly. “I think most people would die if they had a peg through their heart, don’t you?”

The truck revved up and soon we were rolling down the road towards downtown Spoons.

We stopped at the Red Robin that sat next to the local strip mall. Derek parked the car and we got out and walked through the revolving doors into the waiting area. I was worried for a while that someone was going to notice he didn’t have a reflection in the windows, but before long the waitress came to seat us. I texted Ariela.

_were @ red robin_

Pretty soon she texted back.

_dont u think thats kind off expensive 4 a hight schooler too afford? just sayin_

I texted her aggressively.

_well I didnt force him too. stop being jealous_

For a while, I browsed the menu. Then I looked up at Derek. He had the menu in front of his face. “Wait… so you can eat human food?” I asked.

He raised an eyebrow icily over the menu. “I can, but it doesn’t give me nourishment. I’d starve on a strict diet of the stuff.”

“So what do you eat then?”

He just stared at me.

Oh, right. I hurried to answer my own question. “Probably just animal blood and such, right? You seem like a decent person.”

He smiled toothily. “Right.”

I smiled back as I examined his glassy eyes and porcelain countenance. He looked more like a vampire than ever. If this had been a romance novel, we would already be making out by now.

This last thought caused me to frown a little bit. Maybe I was doing something wrong.

***

The waitress came by, and I ordered a normal hamburger. When she looked at Derek, he said, “I’ll have her – I mean, what she’s having.”

The waitress nodded and left us alone.

“So why do you attend high school?” I asked him. “I mean, you’re immortal and everything. Why would you want to go back to high school?”

He shrugged. “Easy pickings.”

I supposed that made sense.

“So where do you live?” I asked. “Out in the woods in a coven, probably.”

“In a coffin?” He repeated. “Yeah.”

“Coven,” I corrected him in an annoyed voice.

“I don’t have a coven,” he said.

“No family?” I gasped. “Oh, Derek, that’s tragic.”

“Not really,” said Derek coldly. “Vampires don’t have families. I’m five hundred years old. They’d be long dead by now anyway.”

Now I felt really sorry for him. “I thought there’d be a rich coven with your vampire parents and maybe brothers and sisters and some half vampires.”

“Half vampires?”

“Yeah, you know …” I scratched my neck, embarrassed.

“No half-vampires. That’s ridiculous. That makes about as much sense as a half-zombie. Seriously, where do you _get_ this stuff?” Derek sneered.

I blushed. “Well, I’ve been reading these books…”

Derek put his hands on the table. “Look, Flower, it’s simple. You’re either alive, you’re dead, or you’re undead.”

Just then he stopped talking because the waitress had showed up with two normal hamburgers. She gave them to each of us. I immediately devoured mine but Derek sort of shuffled his around and played with the paper.

“Five hundred years,” I said, with my mouth full. “And you’ve never found love in all that time??”

“No.” Then his face softened as he gazed at me meaningfully. “Until now, of course.” He reached out and stroked my neck.

I knew it couldn’t be long before I could make out with him. But not here in the restaurant. I needed to get him somewhere alone.

 _going too makeout with derek,_ I texted Ariela, even though I was mad at her. I wanted her to know that her jealousy wouldn’t put a hitch in my plans.

***

Derek and I walked out behind the restaurant toward his truck. There were no windows back there, and a row of plants separated us from the road. No one could see us, probably. It was time.

But Derek spoke first. “Finally,” he said. “No one’s watching. We can do it.”

“Yeah!” I said. “Finally!” I stood on tiptoe and started making kissy faces.

Derek took a step back. “No… I meant, like, suck your blood.”

“Oh.” I frowned at him. “Yeah, that too, I guess, but can’t we make out first?”

Derek came close to me again. He grabbed my hands and held them tightly. My eyes went wide and my heart beat really fast. “Oh…”

“How about I suck your blood first,” he said. “Then we make out after.”

“Um,” I said. I made a pouty face. It wasn’t like I could do much arguing with him holding my arms really tight like that. “Okay. Fine. But let me move my hair out of the way.”

Derek let go of one of my arms and I moved my hair out of the way, and then tilted my head to the side in the most dramatic way possible. I knew I had to work up the proper mood. I tried to channel the novels. “Bite me, Derek,” I pronounced. “Bite me so I can live forever!”

“Finally,” he whispered. He leaned in. He carefully put his mouth on my neck and started to bite down.

“Ow!” I said really loud. “Ow ow ow ow ow!” “Stop it!”

Derek stopped. “What?”

“Just… I think you’re doing it wrong,” I said. “Try a little bit higher.”

Derek put his mouth on my neck again.

It still hurt though, and he didn’t even draw blood yet. I twisted away from him. “Wait, wait.” I didn’t like this, and I was starting to feel a little panicky. “Don’t you think we’re moving a little fast in this relationship? I mean we could slow things down a bit.”

“I think we’re doing the right thing.” Disgust flashed through his eyes. “Normally I like to play with my food a little before I eat it. But I think I might die if I have to endure another day of your company, which is really saying something because I’m already dead. It’s almost literally painful. _You. Are._ _So. Stupid!_ ”

“What?” Tears started from my eyes. “What are you saying, Derek? You don’t love me?”

“Of course not.”

For a minute I tried to get away from him and he tried to bite me again. I kicked him in the shins. He grunted but stayed standing.

Just then Ariela came running around the corner.

“FLOWER!” she screamed. “What are you doing?”

“Help!!!” I yelled.

As Ariela ran up to us, she pulled something wet and floppy out of her purse. She swung it back over her head, and then hit Derek in the face with it.

He dropped me. “What…” He looked at Ariela. “Is that a…”

She hit him again with the raw steak. “That’s for trying to hurt my friend!” she yelled.

Derek looked stunned. “Where the heck did you come from?”

I punched Derek in the face to get him away from me, and then stared at her too in confusion. Derek rubbed his nose.

“I came as soon as you texted me,” she said. “I had a bad feeling about it.”

“Good thinking,” I said.

“That’s what friends are for,” she said. “Are you hurt?” she asked me.

I put my hand on my neck. There were still tears running down my face. “Yes! I’m very hurt. He called me stupid!”

Ariela whacked Derek again with the steak. “That’s for calling my friend stupid.”

I also kicked him in the shins a few more times just for good measure.

Derek’s mouth went all the way open and he gasped. He put his hands up to defend himself, looking supremely offended.

Just then Ariela pulled out a water bottle from her purse. She opened it and dumped it on him. Derek recoiled with a scream. Steam went up from the sidewalk. He scrambled away, scratching at his clothes, which were now soaking wet.

“I thought that would take care of him,” said Ariela. “Holy water.”

“How did you get holy water?” I asked.

“Boiled the hell out of it.”

Derek sputtered and peeled himself off the ground. He stared at both of us with hate. “I have been attacked with garlic – crucifixes – _real_ holy water – in China they even threw piss at me – but this… this is too much! Goodbye!”

He ran away down the sidewalk and off across the street. Finally he disappeared into the bushes.

***

The day after the breakup, Ariela came to visit me. I had stayed home from school because I needed some time to cry.

“How are you doing, Flower?” Ariela asked me when I came to the door. I sniffed. “I don’t know,” I said. “It was really sweet how you rescued me. I guess you were right. But I did kind of like him, you know?”

“I know,” said Ariela. “It’s okay. I’ve brought just the thing to cheer you up.”

I dramatically wiped my eyes with a kleenex. “What’s that?”

She held out a stack of books. “Some brand new romance novels!”

I clapped my hands together. “Oh Ariela! You’re the best BFF ever!”

“I know,” said Ariela. She smiled. “You might even say BBFFE, for Best Best Friend Forever Ever.”

“Let’s eat some ice cream,” I said.

“Okay,” said Ariela, and we went to get some ice cream from my freezer.

The End


End file.
